Before I was married… well, actually, before I even knew Kira was “head over heels” about me… well before we were even friends… I took a marriage class at Bear Valley Bible Institute taught by Bill Stewart. It was the year 2000, and Bill and his wife, Pam, had already been married for over 40 years and had counseled countless couples on love, marriage, and relationships. The class was mandatory, and I figured I would use the information one day in my own marriage. I was right.
Brother Stewart used his own book that he had just finished writing and compiling. I use the information in it all the time in my own marriage and in counseling others. It takes the analogy of the pillars on a bridge that supports the connection between two distinct places, much like a marriage bond is to act as a bridge between two distinct people. The pillars work to support the bridge, and without each one, the potential of collapse resulting in mayhem is real. Couples should be working on each pillar to help support a successful marriage. These pillars include:
Communication – This is the first pillar in any relationship. We must first say something to begin a relationship, and a successful marriage relies on good communication for their success. A couple is experiencing a good married relationship is constantly learning how best to communicate.
Romantic Love – This pillar is one of the first ones that is built in a marriage. It is what made someone feel the butterflies in their stomach when just thinking about the other person. It is what gets the relationship going and can keep it going. But by itself can not hold the bridge up to support the marriage.
Compatibility – We like to be around people that share the same interest as we do. We like to do the same things and experience life together. When one person in the relationship is not compatible with the other person, the bridge may not be as strong and can suffer structural integrity. A good married couple seeks compatibility.
The 4 A’s – A good marriage is where both husband and wife seek to ACCEPT each other with all their quirks and idiosyncrasies. They seek to AFFIRM each other with encouragement and love. They seek ways to show ADMIRATION for each other by being thankful for all the things they do for each other, both big and small. They seek ways to show AFFECTION by touching each other in sexual and nonsexual ways.
Positive Attitude and Goal Setting – This pillar gives excellent stability to the marriage relationship because the husband and the wife work together to accomplish goals and set their minds to achieve them. They stir away from negativity and draw closer together in proper positive attitudes.
Forgiveness – This is a vital pillar in any relationship, and marriage is no exception. Things don’t always go as planned. One person or both will make mistakes, but when forgiveness is present and is possible, the marriage can be strengthened and come away from turmoil even stronger.
Responsibility – This pillar provides structure to the marriage. It is where the man acts as a godly man and does what is expected of him. It is where the woman acts like a godly woman and does what is expected of her. When each person is meeting their responsibilities and supplying their efforts into the marriage, the result is a strong marriage.
Commitment – This pillar needs to be present from day one and gets strong as time progresses. When the husband and wife are entirely faithful to each other, and there is nothing nor no one that can come between them, it is a successful marriage. The marriage bridge can only be as strong as the commitment pillar.
Having Fun Together – This pillar is just as essential as any other pillar. A couple that can’t have fun together lives in a miserable marriage. Untuck your shirt. Let your hair down and live life joyfully together, experiencing everything God has for us to enjoy.
Spiritual Growth – Many marriages have forgotten this pillar. A husband or wife can be faithful, loving, meet the other person’s expectations and yet forget this pillar and still have a good marriage, but in the long run, they are missing the eternal, spiritual life that God wants them to enjoy. A good marriage is working on spiritual growth from day one until death do you part.
All of these pillars are key to the success of the marriage relationship. I hope you are encouraged by them and are looking for ways to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Even if you are not married yet, you, like me, can learn to employ these principles in your life. I am so thankful I was exposed to these long before Kira came into my life. We just have to keep working on it and keep building the bridge between us.
If you and your spouse need a little encouragement and counsel, please do not hesitate to talk to Kira or me, and I would love to sit down and help you build a bridge between you and your spouse based on these pillars. Kira and I love marriage, and we love to encourage strong marriages. Let us know how we can help.
I love you,
Alex