Two weeks ago, I published an article here about “the first phase of parenting,” focusing on the need to create a culture and establish the spiritual boundaries of your home. Last week, we talked about “the second phase of parenting,” focusing on the importance of teaching children by word and deed, and rewarding children whenever they give you even the slightest reason to do so. I have one more thing to share before I set this topic aside.

Let’s talk about discipline.

Many of us can recall being bent over the knee of our mother or father, ready to receive the so-called corporal punishment they felt we had earned as a consequence for whatever bad choice we made. On those occasions, I’m sure we can recall hearing that familiar refrain: “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.” I’m sure my parents said that to me, though, for the life of me, I can’t recall a specific instance.

I can recall getting spanked. Ho boy, do I recall that. One does not forget something that was as much a part of one’s childhood as breakfast or bath time. That is to say, I was spanked about as often as I was fed, and considering the number of times I was sent to my room without supper, as punishment for some terrible thing I did (for I was a rambunctious child), I might’ve been spanked more than I was fed!

No godly parent likes punishing his child. When the child is very young, it breaks the heart to hear their pitiful cries, mingled with hiccups, and to know that it was your hand to their backside that caused their physical pain.
When the child is older and rebellious, it breaks the heart for a different reason: We feel the sting of punishment because we know, the older they get, the more independent they become, and the more likely it is the child will just grow bitter and resentful of the punishment, eagerly anticipating the days when they can fly away from the coop and go out on their own, hopefully, to get married and have children of their own that they will discipline just as their parents did to them.

Life is funny that way.

Little children are disciplined for reasons they can’t understand because their brains aren’t developed enough yet to grasp the matter. We spat their hand to keep them from burning themselves on a hot stove. We pop their butt to impress upon them the pain that comes with telling lies. We withhold dessert to teach them the importance of finishing their vegetables. These are little things, fundamental things, the building blocks of a healthy life, and it’s up to parents to teach them to their children. It’s no coincidence that the word “discipline” comes from the same root word as “disciple.” We teach our children; they are our disciples. Sometimes, we teach them positively, with word and deed. Sometimes, however, it behooves us to teach them the hard way.

What about when they are no longer little children? What about when they’re teenagers, old enough to reason (at least somewhat) but not yet ready for adult life? It is implanted in us by our Creator—and it springs to life when we reach adolescence—the need to go it alone.

Teenagers, generally speaking, want to be independent. They want to be free of the so-called restrictions and constrictions imposed on them by their parents. They are old enough now and smart enough now to argue, to challenge, and to realize that their parents actually don’t know everything, and don’t always get it right.

That same drive that will lead them into adulthood is not the same thing as adulthood, however. They are old enough to realize their parents don’t know everything, but often they lack the wisdom, experience, and maturity to appreciate that they don’t know everything either, and, often, their parents—while not knowing everything—do know more than them.

In light of that, conflict is not just possible; it’s downright expected. This is the final phase of parenting. It’s the phase that takes you up to and including the time when your kids are out the door. These are the final, crucial years, when children challenge their parents in ways they might’ve never thought possible.

Many parents give up at this point. The going gets too tough, and the kids seem “adult enough” that some just throw up their hands and say: “They can figure it out on their own.” We must resist that urge. Instead, now more than ever, our adolescent children need discipline.

Where do we begin?

We begin, not with discipline. Discipline does not begin with discipline. Discipline begins with warning about discipline. This is one of the more challenging parts of parenting, because you have to straddle the fence between being patient (which is good) and being tolerant (which is not). After the warnings are expired and if the child insists on disobeying, then (and only then) do we lay down the previously threatened punishment. Even then, as soon as the punishment has been handed down, parents must resist the urge to stay mad. Instead, our fury must reset to zero so that we can be in the right frame of mind to plead for their repentance and accept their apology when (if) it comes. And if it never comes, and if the child decides he or she would rather leave home than make things right, it’s our job as parents to keep the porch light on, and pray their heart softens enough for them to come back.

The book I’ve been working on is finished. I plan on sharing it with those who are in the class that I’m teaching (co-teaching with Shawn) on Sunday mornings this summer. It contains thirteen chapters comparing the relationship between God and Israel with the relationship between parent and child in the home. It also has additional chapters focusing on godly marriages and godly homes in general. I hope it will be of some good.

~ Matthew